Who Even Am I?

At the time when I am currently writing this post, it is 9:30pm and I have gotten out of my bed to write a blog post. I was sitting in bed and I was just about to start reading and then an existential crisis hit me. Then I realised that this existential crisis has happened to be a lot over the last couple of days. It all came up to boil today on the 19th February when I learned that it was my 2nd blogoversary. My brain has been taken over by self-destroying thoughts about me and who I am and usually when I want to get over something, I write it out so here I am writing it out.

I am a changing person. That much is obvious to everyone. Everyone is changing all the time. I’m going through college and most people change completely at college. But I am mildly freaking out inside because I’m not like who I’ve been for the last couple of years. At secondary school, I was always known as the girl who reads a lot and I loved that. I read, baked and was an all round good student who did all of her work by herself and on time. Whilst I still do (most of) my work by myself on time, I no longer bake. WHAT IS THIS? I’m used to being the person who baked cakes just because she could but now, I don’t want to bake? I don’t even know. LIFE CRISIS. I love cake, I love baking but for some reason, I’m not doing it. Don’t ask me why, I don’t even know myself.

Quite a lot of my college friends don’t know me as a reader. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about a great book that I read and she was like I didn’t know you were a reader. WHAT?!?!?! My complete shock about the fact that she had somehow missed the fact that reading is my favourite thing ever was crazy. But then it hit me. I’d never talked about reading to her or to most of my college friends. At the start of the college year, I decided that I wouldn’t take a book to college so that I would have to be social/do my work on time. When I did read at college, it was on my phone so I could have been doing anything on there. I was no longer labelled as a reader and this bloody scared me. I don’t know why but I have this obsession with being known for something. Just like how in Beautiful Broken Things by Sara Barnard, the main character is obsessed with Significant Life Events, I’m obsessed with Significant Traits. I’ve always felt like everyone needs to have a significant trait (I know, it’s the stupidest philosophy ever and I’m just the weirdest) and I had lost the key Significant Trait that had followed me around for 6 years. Yes, to most I had become known as the girl who watches Bollywood movies and that was my new Significant Trait but I feel like I’ve betrayed everything inside of me. I now feel bad if I watch a Bollywood movie because I should be reading so now I hardly do either, compared to how much I used to.

My main reason behind writing this post was not to complain about the loss of my reader trait but to complain about my blogging. I love my blog. BUT my blog is very generic. I have no creativity, nothing to make me stand out from the crowd (I guess you could argue that the Bollywood aspect does but I’m talking about just the bookish related posts). This is where the Significant Trait thing comes in. Where is my Significant Blogger Trait? I am the world’s worst person at coming up with creative blog posts. My blog is full of the generic posts such as reviews, wrap ups, lists etc. Why can’t I come up with something new? What’s keeping me in this blogging world? Even my reviews/wrap ups/lists aren’t special. I do nothing uniquely and this has put me in a massive funk. I love our community but sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in it? I know everyone will probably come back after reading this and say that I do and I do but something inside of me keeps telling me that I don’t.I feel like I’m a fake because I’ve lost my blogging touch and I read a lot less. What’s wrong with that though?  Why won’t this thing inside of me leave please and let me enjoy being part of the community? I just can’t help but feel that it’s my second blogoversary and whilst I’ve gained a lot from the community, what has the community gained from me?

I’ve decided that the reason for my lack of creative posts is because I’m boring as hell. Whilst I know that probably one of the purposes of Beautiful Broken Things was to show us that Significant Life Events aren’t necessary, I can’t get that part of the novel out of my head. As soon as it turned up in the novel, I realised that I haven’t had a Significant Life Event. I spend my whole life doing college work, reading, watching movies/TV shows and occassionally going out with friends. Where’s the fun in that? But still despite all of this, I love my life and I wouldn’t change it. So whilst I have had no Significant Life Events and that kinda makes me really upset because I’m boring as shit, I’m kinda okay with it? I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

 

I am 100000% aware that everything that I’ve said in this post is so stupid, ridiculous and crazy but I guess that’s just me. I always have these stupid stupid self-deprecating ridiculous thoughts about god knows what and I get myself into a funk over nothing.

Yup, I’m an idiot.

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